by Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.
are beautiful jewels that have been entrusted to our
care. We have a choice to polish the jewels to their
natural brilliance or to dim them. By appreciating
and working with the multifaceted talents of our children,
we enable them to reach their greatest potential.
~Jayne A. Major, Ph.D..
- Treat People with Respect
Problems without Drama
Discipline not Punishment
Effective Communication Techniques
Them Being Good
Your Stress Response
Conflict Without Escalating It
a Steward to Your Child
Personal Responsibility for Your Thoughts, Feelings
by Our Formula for Success R=TLC
TREAT PEOPLE WITH RESPECT:
number one quality of a well functioning family is
that each member is respected. Too many families resort
to taking their frustrations out on each other when
they are unhappy. Family members who fight and argue
are not showing respect for each other. They may say
that they "love" each other, but they don't act that
way. The number one way to build self-esteem in a
family is to show that each family member is respected-this
especially applies to children! your family should
be to raise every person's self-esteem by treating
them with respect. If a lack of respect is a problem
in your family, you can turn it around quickly with
advanced parent education methods.
SOLVE PROBLEMS WITHOUT DRAMA:
necessary quality for respect to occur in a family
is that parents and children solve problems together.
The key to a successful family is the use of the principle
of participation or shared decision making. It is
sad but true, that many families do not solve their
problems efficiently because they quickly move into
drama. Sometimes the problem escalates to the degree
that people don't even know what the original problem
was any more. An angry dramatic episode can destroy
self-esteem and respect.
Following are the six steps of solving problems. Solving
problems is logical. Moving into drama is illogical.
you are having a dramatic episode, stop. Let everyone
calm down. Figure out what the real problem is by
receptively listening to each other, use assertive
I-statements and the principle of participation to
find the best solution to the problem.
THINK DISCIPLINE NOT PUNISHMENT:
is greatly over rated. It doesn't solve the problems,
it creates problems. Punishment does not explain what
TO DO, rather focuses on what NOT TO DO. Punishment
causes people pain. Pain = Drama. Endless drama, lowers
self-esteem and greatly interferes with people using
logic to solve problems. Punishment uses shame and
embarrassment. It causes resentment, anger and depression.
It is a poor tactic in any relationship. Thinking
that children need to be punished is an old, inefficient
and needlessly authoritarian way to correct a child's
discipline instead. Discipline means to teach. Teach
how to solve problems, not escalate them. Involve
your children in figuring out how to solve problems.
Explain to them the better way of thinking and doing
things. Children are programmed to want to get
along with us. The reason that they don't is most
often caused by us not knowing how to get along with
USE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUES:
are two essential techniques for effective communication,
that of receptive listening and assertive statement
sentences. Most parents command and question their
children to get their children to obey them. They
don't realize that there relentless questioning and
commanding their children does not invite cooperation,
it invites rebellion. Using assertive statement sentences
avoids all this. is a fact. A fact is the truth. It
is hard to argue with the truth. clearly and truthfully
enhances communication and problem solving. It makes
people want to participate and cooperate. Avoid questions
and commands and go for the gold-the I-statement.
The I-statement has the extraordinary value of being
clear. For example
am interested in knowing what your plan is for cleaning
up your toys (finishing your homework, paying your
bill, completing dinner, etc.).
am confused by this grade on your report card.
see that you have almost finished cleaning your
room. We need to leave in 10 minutes. I'm sure that
it won't take you long to finish up.
would like clarification on the details of this
trip that you would like to go on.
just use a simple statement.
is 8:00 p.m. and time for bed.
friends are welcome to come over after we finish
our game at 3:00 p.m.
are doing a terrific job on your painting.
gate was left open and the dog got out.
a beautiful birthday card that you made!
way of communicating shares information, it invites
a conversation and active problem solving. Go for
the gold and learn the power of the statement sentence.
CATCH THEM BEING GOOD:
better children? Use positive words and phrases many
times each day to.. Catch Them Being Good! This is
the most important method you can use in disciplining
children. It effectively points children in the direction
that you want them to go: toward responsible, good
thinking, loving and confident behavior. You will
not only have better children, but your children will
have a better parent!
Them Being Good has a feel-good quality to it, which
is wonderfully beneficial. It promotes good physical
health and great mental health. It creates a positive
feeling tone between parent and child. The whole family
Catch Them Being Good is far more significant than
that! Everything that you know how to do well, you
know how to do because someone, maybe several people,
Caught You Being Good! Maybe it was a smile, a gold
star and a pat on the back or an "A" on your paper.
Catch Them Being Good is the essence of how we learn
to be confident in what we know and do. It raises
self-esteem like nothing else.
Them Being Bad has the opposite effect. It creates
a negative feeling tone, discouragement and low self-esteem.
It points children in the direction that you don't
want them to go. It causes children to be less responsible,
leads to poor thinking, unloving behavior and insecurity.
Who wants THAT for their children? Catch Them Being
Good is the way to go. It can change power struggles
to cooperation unbelievably fast!
CONTROL YOUR STRESS RESPONSE:
you are angry, frustrated, depressed, anxious, flipped
out, having heart palpitations, ready to bust a gasket,
learn better stress management techniques. Don't take
your stress out on your children, or anyone else.
There are 15 stress busting techniques in the book Breakthrough Parenting: Moving from Struggle to
Cooperation. It is one of the best investments
you will ever make in building peace in your family.
first and most important step in stress busting is
to realize that all of your emotions are no one
else's fault. Stress is an inside job. Your emotions
are your way of responding to what is going on outside
of you. You have many choices over what to do about
you are in chronic stress take a look at whether you
are actually solving your problems or turning them
into drama, and then blaming someone else for the
problem. You are not powerless or a victim. It is
up to you to make better choices. There is no substitute
for solving your problems.
RESOLVE CONFLICT WITHOUT ESCALATING IT:
is a good thing! We wouldn't grow without having conflict.
Conflict presents an opportunity to solve problems.
If a family is in endless conflict, it is probably
because the parents of the family have not learned
positive and healthy conflict resolutions methods.
These methods involve solving problems by receptively
listening, using I-statements, using the principle
of participation, getting agreements about who is
going to do what and when.
attention to the 4 "C's" for resolving conflict.
make it worse.
up and say what is on your mind.
agreement on who is going to do what and when
listen to the other person's point of view. Identify
with where that person is coming from.
represent the key elements for solving problems when
there is conflict. And remember, in most instances,
it is okay to agree to disagree! Sometimes the resolution
of conflict takes time.
BE YOUR CHILD'S STEWARD:
old way of thinking about being a parent was that
the child was the parent's property. They got to unilaterally
decide how to treat the child, and determine what
the child's life was supposed to turn out as. Children
showed "respect" for parents by being obedient. The
parent uses fear to control their children. expect
their children to think and act the way they tell
them to, and they are not considerate of the desires
or feelings of the child.
modern way of thinking about a parent's role is that
of being a steward of children, or the agent, guardian
and protector. The steward manages every aspect of
the children's care until they are able to do it for
themselves. They are also responsible to see that
the children are fully prepared to take over their
own lives as fully functioning independent adult human
counsel children about the best way to do things and
provide many experiences to help children consciously
make choices and learn how to accept the consequences
of those choices. In doing so, children become good
problem-solvers and decision-makers while still being
methods that stewards use are designed to help children
grow up to be in charge of their destiny; a destiny
that the stewards cannot fully predict. Therefore,
the stewards pay attention to helping children develop
such qualities as being eager to learn new things
and being adaptable, emotionally well-adjusted, skillful
and socially responsible. Children learn that they
are free agents who have the power to decide well
or to decide poorly.
is the goal. When children behave consistently with
the principle, I alone am responsible for my thoughts,
feelings and behavior, they will have attained self-mastery.
ACCEPT PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS,
FEELINGS, AND ACTIONS:
is one insight that stands out as having incredible
transforming power over how children turn out, and
that is You alone own responsibility for your thoughts,
feelings and behavior. You choose what to think, feel
and do. You decide how to react to circumstances outside
of yourself. When you learn how much you have a choice
over the degree of pain and pleasure you experience
in your life, you move into being conscious of your
choices. Understanding this is one of the greatest
breakthroughs a person can experience! Every choice
has a consequence. It takes many years for a child
to understand the full impact of this insight, yet
it is one of the greatest gifts that a parent can
give to a child.
To live consciously means choosing with awareness
what kind of a life you would like to live, instead
of simply accepting what comes along. It is common
for people to give away their responsibility for making
important decisions and then complain that the person
to whom they gave their power did not treat them as
well as they would like to be treated. They forgot,
or simply did not realize, that the power originally
resided in themselves. They gave it up when they decided
to let someone else take charge.
Life offers us numerous life-altering choices. A life-altering
choice is one where our destiny is forever affected;
after the decision is made there is no turning back.
These decisions become our fate and affect the quality
of life we will have. They define our lives and forecast
our future. There are hundreds of these kinds of choices
that will affect the quality of our life.
of life-altering choices are:
much education to pursue
career path to follow
within the law or breaking the law
a healthy lifestyle or following a destructive path
you manage money
curious thing about life-altering choices is that
no one can choose not to choose. We all write on our
own Tablet of Life regardless of whether we do it
consciously or by default by letting someone else
decide for us. There is always a consequence; it may
be a good result or a bad one, but there is always
going to be a cause and an effect.
Everyone has to accept responsibility for the fact
that he or she may have chosen badly. We are compelled
in conscience to finish what we start. For most of
us, living the consequences of a poor choice is what
helps us to choose more wisely the next time.
you can best help your children make wise choices.
Doesn't it make sense to give children guidance first
on the fact that they will have to make such choices,
and second, provide some principles and information
that will help them choose wisely?
best place to start is with the key insight that the
power for deciding lies within them, not someone external
R=TLC--KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE GOAL
How do you want your children to turn out? Responsible
people? People that can think on their feet, smart
and educated? If you you're your child to have high
self-esteem, a "Can Do" mentality that demonstrates
confidence, you as the parent need to build this daily.
Would you like to have children with a strong sense
of integrity, fair play, enjoy helping others? Yes?
Then you need to demonstrate those traits. Breakthrough
Parenting will help you do that optimally.
formula for success is R=TLC.
R stands for responsibility. No one can be
responsible without the following three character
a rational problem solving logical mind.
this starts with good self-esteem and then extends
out to others with moral and ethical behavior; and
ability to stand up and be counted, to take action
on what you believe is right.
parents are daily modeling these traits of character
and cultivating them in their children. The best method
for achieving the R=TLC is TENDER LOVING CARE! See
Catch Them Being Good.
you follow this formula your will enable your child
to live a self-actualized life. The more you guide
your child with the skills and concepts found in the
formula R=TLC the greater the probability that you
will enable your child to attain self-mastery and
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how your family is doing on these ten basics of positive
family living. You can get a further breakthrough
by ordering the home study course on our website,
or signing up for parenting coaching or counseling.
Go to our website for more information.